Taken From Mark Manson & Toxic Relationships
Relationships can be challenging. Sometimes, we need a little help getting over that last hurdle.
Now, a toxic relationship is another matter.
I was so attached to my last relationship. I never felt the way I did with any other man. I wanted 'us' badly. I also wanted to experience everything with him; travel, marriage, kids, and life. He was my dream guy and, I knew that he could defend at any time. My insecurities got the best of me and, I ignored the red flags during the relationship.
How can a guy like him love a woman like me? He grew close to my family and friends. The fairytale shattered when I noticed his lies, cheating, and dishonesty. I stuck around, trusting that he could change and become the dream guy I needed him to be. Then, the shock of reality kicked in. He got engaged while on a 'work trip' to Cuba. We spoke every day and video call, no signs of such betrayal. I was devastated. I believed that I was everything to him and, he was everything to me. It was so bad, I accepted his poor excuses and continued to see him. I thought that he'd change his mind on the ridiculous engagement and choose me.
During this tragic episode, I thought that I would NEVER NEVER get over this guy. It's impossible to break free from a toxic relationship. These relationships are depressing, destructive, and addictive. It's easier to stay in an unhealthy situation forever than to end it. Starting over is HARD.
I did and, it wasn't easy. Ten therapy sessions and a 'tabanca' playlist later, I moved on from the toxicity and discovered five steps that helped me reclaim my self-esteem and find closure.
Understand that you deserve better
I had this opinion that he loved me enough to change his behavior. I believe that I can get our relationship to a healthy state. We manifest a long list of shortcomings that make us less deserving of a healthy relationship. Let's rewrite that list. List the things that you love about yourself: physical, intellectual. It can give your a boost of self-worth. We should learn to accept our flaws and start loving ourselves. Anyone should be lucky to be with you.
Break the Generation Curse
During your childhood, you may have seen signs of aggression and irrational behavior in your family. According to therapists, you may accept this behavior as a normal relationship. You can recognize the toxic traits and, the repetition begins. You are not your parents, so it's time that you set healthy boundaries for the respect and compassion that you deserve. Your past is creeping into your relationship.
Acceptance is Key
In the early break-up stage, I looked back at the relationship to understand where I went wrong. I didn't fully understand why it had to end. I had to go through different emotions: hurt, anger, and sadness. It left me in pieces but, I had to re-adjust on all levels. At the end of the process, I understood why the relationship was toxic and accepted it didn't work. Some coping mechanisms were hanging with friends, finding a hobby (reading), and going to therapy.
It Starts with Self-Identity
My happiness was no longer a priority. In the early stage of dating, we had fun; explored each other. I didn't see it as losing myself because I was trying to make my dream guy happy. After the break-up, I lost direction. Where do I start? I had to detox from the idea of a dream guy and the values we created together. Refocus on your strengths and embrace the new journey. I had a safe space to express my emotions with support from my close friends and therapist. With their help, I recognized what was healthy versus unhealthy and reclaimed my self-esteem. Surround yourself with positivity and focus on the good things in your life.
Embrace Closure & Forgive
It's been over three years. I never received an apology but, it didn't stop me from moving on. It did hurt. The love of your life hasn't admitted to wrongdoing. It made me feel worse, hoping that the person who caused me the pain would reach out to apologize. To move on, I found closure within myself. I can only control my actions and, they can change their behavior. It was difficult to forgive someone who caused so much pain plus received no apology. The closure is important. You can move on from the poor treatment.
It won't be easy and, it is not a rush. As you learn how to survive a toxic relationship, you have to learn to be happy again. What are some of the things that make you happy?
Share this with a friend who needs this.
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