The Guilt Trip

'I've done everything to preserve this relationship, and you continue to show that you don't care.'

'If it weren't for me, you'd be nowhere.'

'You never supported me and, I've done a lot for you.'

Unfortunately, it was my primary form of communication and an effective way to deal with relationship issues. Did it work? It brought satisfaction in the short term and avoided the conflict of our relationship. However, we began to feel frustrated and recognized this behavior caused more harm than good. 

We've experienced this, the guilt trip. It is common in relationships today. According to Merriam-Webster, a guilt trip is a form of manipulation by causing feelings of guilt. We have seen this type of behavior from our parents, who used guilt to express frustration or annoyance. We rarely think of it as a harsh term. Guilt-tripping can display a sign of unhappiness with the relationship and can lead to resentment. Some reasons why people show this type of behavior are neediness, personal gain, and insecurity.

Guilt Trip can Backfire

Guilt can provide a great motivation to apologize and cause the person to act responsibly. People believe that trying to change a person can show they have their best interest. However, a person can resent someone who keeps highlighting certain behaviors to guilt you into changing them. If the person doesn't care how their behavior affects you, it can also leave you even more frustrated. Psychologists believe that it can trigger negative emotions and cause the relationship to fail.

How can we avoid Guilt-Tripping?

Relationships work when the two parties are committed to improving their communication. Assertive communication is the ability to express feelings and ideas openly and honestly. It allows you and your loved ones to achieve each other's needs in a relationship. It can be difficult in the beginning but, assertive communication strengthens the bond between the couple. 

Here are three steps that can help you develop healthy communication:

1. Guilt-trippers exaggerate a particular situation. State what you don't like in the situation without judging or exaggerating. 
2. Voice your needs and wants clearly. Don't assume that someone knows what you want. You might wait forever!
3. Use the Therapist Formula. In movies, we saw therapists sharing a phrase with their clients to express the correct emotions. Use factual statements to show how their behavior affects you. 

Two examples of the steps listed above:

• When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].
• When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].

We engage in guilt to motivate others to do what we want. Sometimes, it works; sometimes anger and resentment creep into the relationship. Avoid inflicting negative emotions and find ways to meet your needs.